Dancing In The Rain

Because I Love Her

2009-10-04T23:18:00.000-04:00

I was given this by my friends in Sigma Phi Lambda during college and have clung to it ever since.

It has brought great meaning for me several times in my life, including the birth of Hannah, and now the birth and death of Eva. I will always cherish these words, the message, and the scripture that accompanies these words.

Lord, I want to hold Your hand. I want to listen to Your voice. Please cradle me in Your arms, reshape me, mold me, conform me to Your image. Thank You for loving me.

"Because I Love Her...."
I made her…she is different.
She’s unique.
With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her.

I love her smile.
I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh.
And the silly things she says and does.
She brings me great pleasure.
This is how I made her.

I made her pretty and not beautiful,
Because I knew her heart,
And I know that she would be vain…
I wanted her to search her heart,
And to learn that it would be Me in her,
That I would draw friends to her.

I made her in such a way that she would need Me.
I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be…
Only because of the need for her to learn and depend on Me…
I know her heart,
I know that if I had not made her like this
She would go her own chosen way
And forget me…her Creator.

I have given her many good and happy things…
Because I love her.

Because I love her I have seen her broken heart…
And the tears she cried alone.
I have cried with her,
And had a broken heart, too.

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone,
Only because she would not hold My hand.
So many lessons she has learned the hard way
Because she would not listen to My voice.

So many times I have watched her go her merry way,
Only to watch her return to My arms,
Sad and broken.

And now she is mine again…
I made her,
And then I bought her…
Because I love her.

I have to reshape and mold her.
To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for Me.

I want her to be conformed to My image.
This high goal I have set for her,
Because I love her.

Eva Genelle 6/8 - 9/19/09

2009-09-19T06:40:00.000-04:00

Our Sweet Eva Genelle passed away this morning at 4:44am. She was laying in bed in between her mommy and daddy.

We will be planning a memorial service at some point in time. We will keep everyone posted on the details as we get them.

Please keep checking in at caringbridge.org/visit/clearfield for details.

Thank you for all the love and support you have shown.

Love,
Jessica, Dan, Hannah, and Eva

Ah Oh!!!

2009-08-19T22:53:00.000-04:00

Hannah can open the refrigerator! We are in trouble now.

Scripture

2009-06-08T01:43:00.000-04:00

Psalm 139: 13-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you:
do not be dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Psalm 62: 5-8
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope come from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all time, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Nehemiah 8:10
Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

II Corinthians 5:7
We live by faith, not by sight

Philippians 2:13
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.

Hebrews 10:23
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Caring Bridge

2009-06-05T09:55:00.000-04:00

I have set up a website at CaringBridge so that everyone can go to one place to see updates on Eva's birth Monday. I will have someone posting updates on the site throughout the day, as they can, and throughout the week to update you all on my recovery from the C-section.

The site is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/clearfield

You can subscribe to get e-mails when we update the site or just bookmark it and check back when you want to. I would appreciate it if you would sign the guest book so that I know who is reading.

I'll try to keep in touch this weekend, maybe post pictures from last week, but I will also be very busy so please forgive me if that doesn't actually happen.

the scoop

2009-06-03T13:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, here's the deal with Eva. We are going to try to schedule the c-section for Monday. However, I am keeping a close eye on Eva's movement every day. If I notice her slowing down significantly, we will head to L&D to get evaluated and she may arrive sooner. I am ok with whatever happens. That doesn't mean that I don't have my freak-out moments. I am not good with waiting or with not knowing when she will arrive. I would really hate to loose her before she's born, especially after making it this far, but I don't want to rush into delivering her now just out of fear either. Monday is best for us as far as scheduling goes with Dan and our families and our Doctor. So, that's what we are aiming for. If she needs to arrive sooner or if we loose her, we will live through that as well.

I will have someone post here and/or send an e-mail to the spouse's group so that everyone knows when we are heading in to the hospital.

Keep the prayers coming for my nerves and for Eva's strength. I would give anything to meet my little girl and look into her eyes even if just for a moment. I want her Daddy to get to hold her and feel her move. It's not fair that I've gotten to know her so well for these 35weeks and he may only have a moment. But, that's what I wish for - for him to get to feel her little body in his hands.

I'm hoping my next post will be full of photos from Hannah's birthday party and other happy events. Someone will update you all on Eva again on the day she is arriving.

Nevermind

2009-06-02T13:04:00.000-04:00

After speaking to the Dr personally, rather than just speaking to her receptionist, it appears that it would be better for Eva to be born before the 11th. No one knows for sure how long have, of course, but the blood flow was significantly worse yesterday than it was 10 days ago. So, Dan and I are reconsidering Eva's birth date. I would go for Saturday if I could talk one of the Doctors into doing it, but I doubt that's an option. Monday may be the day. We'll see. I think we may just leave it up in the air and I'll let you all know when I actually head to the hospital. Keep the prayers coming - the unknowns are not good for me. UGH!!!

June 11, 2009 will be Eva's birthday if all goes as planned. I feel weird even typing "planned" because non of this has gone according to plan so far, so I don't really know if I expect her to actually arrive on this day or not. However, if we haven't met her before then, she will be arriving around 12pm on June 11, 2009.

I am scheduled for a c-section. I chose to wait until noon so that I could get a chance to wake up with Hannah and explain to her where I am going and that she will see me later in the day.

Please continue to pray for us. We need Eva to stay strong and active until her birthday so that she has a chance to meet her family. As of today, both grandmothers, at least one grandfather and 2 aunts are planning to be at her birth. Her big sister is ready to meet her as well and we truly hope we get the opportunity to introduce them to each other.

Other than strength for Eva, I need prayers for peace. My anxiety may shoot up during this last week, and I really need help to release the worry and place it at the feet of the Lord. I'm not always good at doing that, but that's why I've made it this far. That's the reason I chose to carry Eva to the end. I want God to do His work with us - what ever that may be. I need daily reminders that He is in control.

Thank you all again for your wonderful support so far. I will keep updating as I can.

Blessings

2009-06-01T17:17:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here in a very quiet house and can't get my mind off of all the wonderful blessings I've been given lately. Hannah is actually napping today, Whoa!, thanks to Keren who lovingly stayed with her while I went to the Dr and gently told her to lay back down after cleaning her bottom (thanks Keren, sorry about the surprise she had for you ;)) I would usually just lay down and try to rest, but I can't really rest right now.

First, I got to sleep in thanks to Emmy and G waking up with Hannah, feeding her, and keeping her entertained. So, I'm really not all that tired anyway. This should lead to a very good evening once Dan gets home and we can help Hannah enjoy all of her new birthday gifts.

Thank you to all of you who helped us celebrate Hannah's 3rd birthday yesterday. She was all smiles and I haven't seen that much joy on her face for that many hours in a long time. Dan and I really wanted to give her a very special day during this very stressful time. We are so blessed to know each and every one of you - you all made it a wonderful day. Not only are Dan and I blessed to have found such wonderful friends here in Columbus, but I never knew how much joy it would bring us to see Hannah loving all of her wonderful friends. Hannah loves each and every one of your children and even asks me to "talk to God about her friends" every night. We have even gotten to know many of your spouses and even your parents. I can't even begin to tell you how much you all mean to us.

We are so blessed to have a wonderful family who is willing to fly across the country to celebrate the day with us. Hannah had a blast with Emmy and G! All the outdoor gifts are perfect and will provide tons of entertainment this summer. Hannah even got to talk on the phone with her wonderful aunts and uncles who were unable to be here, but would never forget her birthday.

Also, and this may seem trivial at first, but bear with me, we have been very blessed by generous gifts from both sides of our families, several friends, and even strangers recently. Both of our parents have generously offered to help us out financially lately - not that they haven't in past, but it means so much right now. Strangers have sent us clothes and keepsakes for Eva. String of Pearls mailed me a keepsake kit to get Eva's hand and footprints, clay molds, an ornament, a photo book, a journal, and even tea to help dry my milk if I am unable to nurse Eva. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep is sending someone to take maternity/family photos of us as well as coming to Eva's birth to get her first photos. Before I knew that NILMDTS would take maternity photos, Melissa Jones offered to give us a great deal on a full photo shoot at Homestead Park with a CD of all the proofs - I will share our favorites soon. Several mothers from car-seat.org have shared their stories with me about losing their own infants and sent me books and links that helped them make it through the tough times. All of these things, although mostly monetary and material, have such a HUGE emotional impact as well. When our minds are consumed of thought of Eva and the unknown, the stress of looking for preemie items, or calling photographers, or calling medical billing offices, really take an extra emotional toll. Each and every gift, however small they may seem to the giver, have a huge impact on our hearts.

Anytime a worry is lifted, we have more time to focus on our family now. We are able to focus on allowing Hannah to have the best childhood we can give her. The less I worry, the more smiles I can share with her. The more bills that are paid off, the more I can allow myself to enjoy a nice play group that may cost a little bit extra - or even a nice dinner at Red Robin. Every time I can scratch something off of my "to do for Eva" list, I am able to just concentrate on enjoying my pregnancy with her. Yes, I do enjoy every bit of it - even the back pain and headaches and sleepless nights and swelling and pelvis pain and kicks to the bladder and even watching my weight climb ever so high on the scale. I complain, but I love it just the same. She's my little girl and she can kick me any time she wants to, just as her big sister can run up and hit me in the face with her birthday balloons any time she wants to (I got to experience that this morning).

I also got an e-mail from a friend back home asking if my mom was on the radio this morning sharing our story. I assumed "no" because my mom doesn't call into radio shows. Well, she did this morning! It was a conservative radio talk show in DFW and they were discussing the murder of the late-term abortion Dr yesterday and several related issues. My mom called in to share my story as a mother who refused to terminate even after a fatal diagnosis. I now have many more strangers in the DFW area praying for me and our family. What a blessing! Thanks mom. Unfortunately, they don't have the call-in part of the show on-line, so I can't hear what was said, but still a blessing to know our story may have helped a woman in a similar situation decide to carry her baby and see what blessings God may have in store for her through the tough times.

Blessings, blessings, blessings everywhere and we don't know what we've done to deserve them all. We certainly are thankful for them all and want you all to know how much you mean to us and how much we love and cherish each and everyone of you. We thank God for you all.

Ok, I guess I should go enjoy the rest of nap time and catch up on my soap operas - ABC is actually coming in today after almost 2 weeks of always going out during "my stories".

Our little Princess

2009-05-29T21:58:00.000-04:00

How can you not smile each and every day when you have this to keep you going? Things like this make up for her smart mouth and temper tantrums.........most of the time. Enjoy!

Hannah's new, new favorite bear

2009-05-19T22:50:00.000-04:00

I'm sure those of you have or have ever had a toddler know that they become attached to different things at different times, for random reasons. Well, this past week, Hannah has become attached to this Beanie Baby bear that was given to her at birth by her great aunt Alisa. I also decided this week that I will be ordering one for Eva as well. Anyway, she has been taking this bear everywhere this week, sleeping with it, carrying it around the house, hiding it when she can't be with the bear (???), etc. After nap time today - which was sleepless again - she carried out of her crib and I saw her take it into my room and put it on the bed.

Fast forward a few hours and we have a few people from Homecare Hospice come by to talk about the possibility of Eva coming home and needing nursing care. During this meeting, Hannah became very needy and needed her baby bear. Dan and I both searched all over the house, in every hiding spot and under every piece of furniture. We try to give her the comfort she needs when she gets stressed about all the activities surrounding Eva lately - so we were willing to put our guests on hold and search for this little bear. NO luck! We manage to distract her with other things.

Fast forward again to bedtime. She is in her crib, laying down, all seems well, until she asks for baby bear again. The search continues. It dawned on me that she sometimes puts her little animals in the drawers of my jewelry armoire. I look in there, no; I look in my nightstand drawer, no; on a whim, I look in my bedside trash can, BINGO! There was the elusive Baby Bear. Hannah was very happy to have her companion for bed time afterall. She fell asleep quickly and hopefully her companion will keep her quiet throughout the night.

Her hiding places are getting better and better (for her) OR worse and worse (for us). She always keeps us on our toes. Always!

Conversations with Hannah

2009-05-07T18:14:00.000-04:00

Hannah brings her baby "Rain Rain" into the room with one of her new diapers and says, "She's crying. I a good doctor. I make her better."
me - you are a good Dr.
H - yes.
me - are you going to be a Dr when you get big like mommy and daddy?
H - yes. and I get big and drive car and go to work and eat food *breath* and you will sit in the car seat like I does and be a baby and I drive you to work and get food *breath* and I carry you like this (cradled) and rock you and sing Rock A By Baby.
me - ok. I can't wait.
H - yes. I a good Doctor.
*Her baby never got a new diaper after that, but hannah did get her to stop crying.*

Then, during nap time, she starts calling for me, but I can't understand what she's saying. Usually, it's "I all done" or "I have poopy", etc. I had to stand by her door to make sure what I was hearing before I went in.
She was yelling, "Mommy, I a hippo!"
Confused, I go in and see her piled in the corner of her crib wrapped in a blanket and pretending to sit/swim in the water like a hippo. ????? She then asked me to be a hippo. I refused, as I wanted nap time to continue. She threw a little fit, I raised my voice a little bit, then we continued nap time.

Later in the day, I was trying to find a way to escape and be alone with my shows. Hannah insists on watching "her shows" all the time now if the TV is on. So I said, "why don't you watch a show in the living room and mommy will watch a show in my room". Hannah, "Naahhh, that not a good idea." SO close!

Another day, nap time, she takes several animals with her to bed. I hear her still playing in there 45minutes later and yell through the door to lay down and go to sleep. She says, OK, but first we are being a circus. I said, go to sleep now, babies too. She said, OK, but first I need a drink. I go in her room with drink in hand and she shows me how her babies are being a circus. I tell her, they don't need to be circus right now, it's nap time. She says, "No, Mommy, we are PRETENDING to be a circus". Yes, Hannah, I understand you are pretending, but it's time to pretend to sleep now. She did end up falling asleep that day -finally. I think the babies may need to come out of the bed. They keep her awake with all "their" pretending.

Last night, we were brushing Hannah's teeth and I lifted my shirt to look at the state of my belly button. Hannah looked at me perplexed and asked, "Mommy, why you gettin' SO BIG!?" It was as if she was noticing my big belly for the first time.
I explained Eva was growing in there and making Mommy's belly big. She didn't seem to like it at first, but pointed out where Eva's arm was (pointing to a big vein on my belly) then said that she could see Eva's eyes. Later, during bed time, she was sitting on her rocking chair and pushed out her belly and said, "Mommy, look, I gettin' SO BIG, too!"

Oh, Hannah now calls Dan, Dan! Let me tell you, he LOVES that - NOT!

She has also taken to saying "Naaaaaahhh", when asked to do something. "She will also say, Nah, you can do it."

If told that she must do such and such so that we can - go to play group, go to the play ground, eat dinner, etc - she thinks on it and says "I don't want to - fill in the blank. The threats don't work with her anymore. I just have to give direct orders.

On Mother's Day, we had a very busy day - thanks to Dan for making the day wonderful. We tried to give Hannah a nap, but she never fell asleep. So, by 8pm when we left the Olive Garden to drive home, she refused to get into her car seat. I put on my stern voice and told her to get in her seat "right now young lady. I mean it." She wrinkles up her nose at me and says "I am sick of the attitude!" Wow, there's something else I can no longer say to her.

She also enjoys telling us both "NO!". We are working on that one.

Our Weekend

2009-05-04T11:38:00.000-04:00

We had another great weekend!
Dan was home, well - except for Saturday morning. We love when he's home over the weekend. I get a few breaks here and there and Hannah listens to Dan a little better than she does me, so he's a big help when she's being defiant.

Saturday morning, Dan had to work a marathon but was home by nap time and we enjoyed a quiet day followed by going to see the new Wolverine movie! After the movie, we enjoyed ice cream at Dairy Queen. The perfect date! Thank you to Kelly for watching Hannah for us!

Hannah has been giving up nap time - she just sits and plays in her crib for 2 hours, then calls me with "Mommy, I all done napin!" I am NOT ready for her to give up naps, but at least she stays contained and quiet for a while. So, while at Kelly's house, she couldn't help but fall asleep on her couch for at least an hour before we got there to get her. She went back down easily once we made it home. We thought we were set, until about 1 or 2am (not sure the time because I was out of it) when Hannah called us into her room - I sent Dan in - and she told him "we need to go outside, it's such a beautiful day!" WHAT!? It's 2am, go to sleep! We both had to go back in and give her water and hugs and kisses, then she went back to sleep and was up at her usual time of about 9am. Not too bad for her after an exciting night with friends, a late nap, and a 2am wake up call.

Sundays are always my favorite days. Dan rarely works on Sundays, so I can count on nice quiet family days. If we are up on time and feeling well, Hannah and I eat breakfast together and go to Church while Dan sleeps in a little bit. Then we enjoy lunch and nap time together. Evenings are either filled with a family dinner, play time, or Bible Study for me (alone or with Hannah). This Sunday was both of us going to Bible Study so that Dan could "get some work done" - what ever that means.

Bible Study was intersting this time. There were 6 kids there, all 4 and under, so there was a lot of noise and chaos and not much actual "studying". We had a nice night of girl talk instead. We'll pick up on the Study next week.

Now Monday is here and we had a nice restful night, a normal wake up, breakfast, and we had planned on going to see the butterflies at the Conservatory with some new friends from my car seat board. Unfortunately, one of my friends 5 girls (that's right 5 girls!) is sick, so she called to reschedule. Just when I was getting bummed about the change of plans, another friend called to invite me for a mani and pedi today while her husband watches Hannah. OF course I want to!!! You don't have to ask me twice! Thanks Michelle! Now, we are heading out to the grocery store and then over to our friend's place for another great afternoon.

Who could ask for more?

Baby Eva update

2009-05-01T20:19:00.001-04:00

I met with Eva's pediatrician today. It was our first meeting and we just discussed the basics, our desired birth plan, and when we would re-evaluate everything. He was very nice, treated me like a regular pregnant momma and spoke of Eva as a child rather than a chromosomal karyotype. I liked him immediately just for those reasons. Further, he seems to have the same outlook that Dan and I do - we have to wait and see what Eva is capable of when she is born. Our birth plan will include several options for the several possible outcomes - still born, struggling at birth, doing well, may come home with hospice, etc. He never once told me that she didn't have chance, as many other Drs have done. He was very clear of the possible outcomes and realistic that we have no clue what will happen until we lay eyes on her.

Let me say, though, that the term "DNR-comfort care only" should NEVER be used when referring to an infant. It's just not right. Unfortunately, that is the reality at times. That will be our decision if Eva is not doing well at birth. If she is doing well, we are open to other options for her care depending on what she shows us she is capable of. She has already proven to be capable of more than we initially gave her credit for. She's still thriving in her momma's belly and kicks me like crazy just to prove it.

*I did put up two sonogram pictures of her from our 20week scan. In the first one, that is foot pointing to her forehead and in the next one it is closer to her mouth. Right after that, her hand met her foot and she tried to shove both in her open mouth. It was very cute. These were taken on the same day we got her diagnosis, so it was difficult to see at the time, and we were not ready to share the pictures with anyone. Now that we have processed everything and have fallen completely in love with her, we are very proud to share her with our friends and family.

Our next appointment is with the neonatal cardiologist for a fetal ECHO on May 13th. He will tell us how Eva's heart is doing, how it's changed, how it's functioning now, and how it might function after birth. We will know more about her immediate prognosis after this, and can change our birth plan accordingly at that time. After that, I have another sonogram and OB appt on the 22nd. I will be almost 34weeks along and we will be making plans for induction - or at least discussing it. Depending on my fluid levels and Eva's position, we will need to decide on a date for induction as well the possibility for a c-section. If she is breech, we may not have a choice, for my safety. Right now, we are just hoping she goes head down before then. Flip, Eva, Flip!!!!

I also wanted to share that although my posts about Eva tend to be more positive now, I assure you that I am not always positive. I only choose to share the higher points of my days, but there are many sad moments as well. After discussing birth plans and intervention options and what exactly DNR-comfort care only means, I was very sad the remainder of the day. I am lucky to have my mom to talk me through my sad moments and conflicting thoughts and lucky to have a great, supportive husband who picks up the slack when I need to be alone for a while. Lately my sad times have included listening to a few great songs that give me hope and encouraging. Sometimes I just sing and smile and pray through these songs. Other times, I let the tears flow and other times I weep and weep and cry out to God. Here are links to two of my favorite songs right now. The first was written by Angie Smith and her husband (form the band Selah) about their daughter, Audrey Caroline, who they lost shortly after birth. The video and lyrics are tear jerkers, just to warn you. The second is just a slide show of nature scapes with the lyrics prinited. I sit and listen to these songs over and over and get a different reaction each time. It's my time to sit alone and reflect on my thoughts and cry and talk to Eva and talk to God. I will try to come back and add just the lyrics later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvrBQL8swLI

Here is Chris Tomlin talking about writing the song, "I Will Rise". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BLY5rr24mM

OK, I had to come back and add another song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ijXwHoKeAY&feature=related

Defying the odds

2009-04-29T10:13:00.000-04:00

We made it to 30 weeks! This is a huge accomplishment, as the Doctors and most research said that it was unlikely Eva would survive this long. I am so proud that we have made it this long. I say we, because not only am I proud that Eva has stayed strong this long, but I am also proud of myself for sticking it out. This has been a rough pregnancy from the start and even with all the struggles I've faced, I am more than happy to do it for my little girl. I am so happy I decided to carry her as long as she is here. This wasn't an easy decision, nor has it been easy to live this everyday, but it is so worth it. I know that I will look back on these days with happiness and I will feel lucky to have built these memories with Eva. I will always remember how low she likes to lay, how much she loves sugar (she kicks like crazy as soon as something sweet hits my lips), how she likes to stay up late and play while I'm trying to rest, and lately how much she likes to dance with her little feet on my cervix and bladder - what fun that has been! - causing Braxton Hicks contractions multiple times a day. If this were a "normal" pregnancy, I would be in and out of Labor & Delivery every day just making sure I wasn't in labor. This little girl definitely likes to keep me on my toes - just like her big sister.

Speaking of her big sister, Hannah is also sure that she has a baby in her belly. However, Hannah is carrying a baby monkey. She is protective of her baby monkey, just like any good mommy would be. One day, Dan did a raspberry on her tummy and she said, "NO ma'am! Don't do that, I have a baby in my belly!" She is so sweet. She likes to give Eva hugs and kisses and she tells everyone that Eva gave her a kiss on the cheek, too.

I will be back later to upload a sonogram picture of Eva. I need to figure out our new scanner, first, but be sure to check back to get a glimpse of our little one. The pictures from our 20week scan is the best one we have, so I have to post those. I will post the ones of her trying to put her foot in her mouth - just like her Mommy does on a regular basis.

Another funny bedtime story

2009-04-25T15:42:00.000-04:00

First, A little background:
Last year, the press criticized the play of the Oklahome State College quarterback. His coach went on record defending him and telling the press to lay off. During a famous press conference, the coach said, "if you want to pick on someone, don't pick on a kid, pick on me; I'm a man - I'm 40!" Dan thought this was hilarious and had recently turned 30. So, he began saying "I'm a man, I'm 30!" He would say this during any argument. Hannah heard this once and picked up on it. She will say it randomly at times, out of nowhere. It's been weeks/months now since we heard this from her.

Well, lately she has developed quite a little attitude with me and will wrinkle her nose and start to get bossy with me. She is also fighting nap/bedtime lately. Last night, I was getting fed up and told her in a stern voice to "lay down and close her eyes" while I sat in her chair for a minute (this is our routine). She complied for about 20seconds, then popped up, wrinkled her nose at me and said in her own stern voice, "I'm a man, I'm 30!" It was all I could to not roll on the floor laughing. I collected myself, didn't let her get away with the attitude and then walked out of the room to share with Dan. We laughed for several minutes.

We are amazed every day by what comes out of her little mouth. She is a sponge and will bring things up from weeks/months ago and just knock us on the floor laughing.

She really is the light of our lives!

Recent Pics

2009-04-20T12:44:00.000-04:00

Hannah is being calm today and playing quietly alone so I thought I would download some recent pics. On Friday we went to the park with friends. Hannah and Madeline had a blast together - they are such sweet little BFFs. We had a great morning. I got a headache in the afternoon which followed me all weekend and is still lingering today. That, on top of lack of sleep, led to a rough weekend emotionally for me.

The weekends seem to be the hardest, but I'm not sure why. I usually feel better when Monday rolls around. Maybe it has something to do with Dan being here to pick up the slack so I can let myself feel what ever I want? That makes sense. It's not too bad, though, not like I sit around weeping, just quiet introspection really. But, throughout the bad moments, joyful moments happen that make us laugh. Hannah is a joy!

Here are some pics from our weekend.
First at the Park:
Snack time with Madeline

Big Blue Slide
Really big tunnel slide
Swings with Madeline
Bridge with Madeline: Madeline was VERY concerned that Hannah was putting her head through the bars. She kept holding her back and saying "be careful, don't fall". It was sweet.
On the top of the slides with Evelyn.
Her day with Daddy while Mommy got some much needed rest and headache relief.

Showing Jimbo some love and him returning the love to Hannah.

They have a tight relationship because Hannah lets him have her left overs - like this princess cup filled with left over chocolate milk and a few stray pieces of dinner food. Lil' Lisa was sad she missed out on the action.
Here I am at 29weeks. I am much larger than I was with Hannah at this point. It's strange to big bigger since Eva is smaller and my fluid is low. The little bit of extra weight I had before Eva came along added to the fact that I eat worse now than I did in 2005/06, means a lot of it is just extra fat layers and not really baby. Anyway, Eva is still very active and finally taking advantage of all the room she has in there. She moves from top to bottom and side to side quite often.

P.S. We lost another "birthday fish" this weekend. They were not fed while we were in California and their water got low, so it's no wonder one of them didn't make it. He/she/it had a long life though. Almost a whole year in the Clearfield household! We now have 3 birthday fish, 2 black spotted fish, and sucker fish - who is the mystery culprit that keeps moving the rocks around and knocking over Dory, the fish from Nemo.

A Conversation with Dan

2009-04-16T21:36:00.000-04:00

Me: Why is my towel on the bathroom floor?
Dan: I needed to step out of the shower to get my razor and put it down so the floor wouldn't get too wet.
Me: Why didn't you use your towel?
Dan: I didn't know that one was yours.
Me: How did you not know that one was mine? Who's did you think it was?
Dan: I thought we used the same towel.
Me (annoyed): No, Dan, we don't use the same towel, that's why there are two hooks and two different towels at all times. The same reason I told you last week that we do not share a toothbrush. Two of something means one is yours and one is mine.
Dan (laughing and sarcastic): We don't use the same toothbrush? Wait, which one is yours?

(And yes, he was actually using my toothbrush for a while. Gross!)

And such is a day in the life of Jessica living with Dan, my first of 4 children. Who are the other 3 you ask? First was Dan, then he went out and got Jimbo even though the dog peed on his leg at the pound - he was still "the one" - yeah, that worked out well; he's wonderfully trained. Then I just had to have Lil'Lisa and she has caused her own trouble around here (still poops in the floor at times). My 4th child was Hannah and in many, many ways is still the easiest of them all, even though, by the end of the night I wish I was a drinker so I could calm my nerves with some wine or beer or vodka - yeah, that's it, straight up vodka should do the trick. Since I can't drink, I'll just stick to prescription medications. If only I could find a Doctor to prescribe me the good stuff!

Edited to Add: It's not that he used my towel, it's that he threw it on the floor, walked on it, and left it there. It was a fresh towel and now it's dirty. Also, if I had to use his toothbrush, I would. But if there are two in the holder, just use your own - that's what it's there for. After 7yrs of marriage, does he really not know that we have separate towels and toothbrushes? Really? The level of clueless amazes me sometimes and really makes me laugh. Not that I don't have my clueless times - I'm sure I drive him bananas too.

Also, after living here for 2yrs, you would think he could remember where we keep the soup bowls so he doesn't have to ask me every time he makes soup. I think he just enjoys pestering me. He KNOWS where the bowls are. ;)

Love ya, Babe! Really, I do. :)p

"I a doggy"

2009-04-14T13:11:00.000-04:00

Last night Dan had a killer headache and went to lay down while Hannah and I played for a little while. When it was time to wake him up, I told Hannah to go give him a hug and kiss and tell him it was time to get up. She ran in the room and the dogs followed her. I kicked them out and she insisted that they needed to give "daddy kisses too". I told her no, they would give him kisses later. Well, she crawled up next to him, gave him a hug, then licked his cheek. That's right, LICKED his cheek. She was giving him doggy kisses since the dogs couldn't.

Pretending to be a dog is her new thing. Also, having others pretend to be dogs so she can tell them to "sit, lay, stay, etc". She also rewards them with treats for behaving and following commands. Luckily, I have escaped this torture so far, but Daddy and G (Dan's dad) have both had to endure this game of hers.

When Hannah is pretending to be a dog, she tells me "I a doggy". Oh, what fun the imagination stage is. Now if only I could get her to follow commands like a doggy. That would be a big help.

Many things to update

2009-04-13T12:54:00.000-04:00

We are home! We had a 16hr day on Thursday that stretched into early Friday morning. I woke Hannah up at 8am California time and we did not arrive home until 2am Ohio time. What a day! We flew stand by, so we missed the first few flights we tried to get on, then the 4th flight was a little late. Finally, the flight from DFW to Ohio was over 2hrs late! Fortunately, my dad met us at the airport and we got to visit for a couple of hours. Our flight finally took off a little after 10pm Central time, landed at 1:30am Ohio time. Hannah was in bed and asleep at 2:30am and slept until about 2pm the next day. I wasn't about to wake her up! She didn't sleep during our entire trip home on Thursday, so she needed the sleep. We are almost back on track with our sleep/nap schedule.

BIG NEWS!!! Dan made Cheif Resident! He has wanted to make Cheif since starting at the family practice program. He has worked really hard to earn the spot and we are so very proud of him. He will be sharing the position with Alison Himes, who has also worked hard to earn the position. Next year will be great with those too in the Cheif Resident position. Way to go, Dan!!

Also, more props to Dan for having the house clean when I returned home from California. That was a big surprise and a relief to have less to do this week. Thanks again, Dan! Then, on Saturday, I got to sleep in - almost until Hannah's nap time. After I got her settled for nap, I left the house for some ME time. I went shopping for regular groceries that we needed. I love the store when Hannah's not with me. Then I went on the hunt for new eyeglasses. That was a task and took forever, but I finally picked a pair. I just can't do contacts. I hate them. It's a nice idea, but my eyes get dry and the contacts move around and get blurry. What's the point if I can only see clearly half the time? I would rather just deal with glasses until I'm able to have Lasik eventually. I've had glasses this long, why change now? Oh well.

After having the day to myself, I returned home in time for bedtime and felt much more relaxed, rested, and ready to deal with home life again. Sunday was a great day filled with lots of family time and getting work done around the house. We had a nice dinner together and a nice evening of games and books and a relaxing bedtime. It was a great weekend!

Everything else is pretty much the same as it was before. I am still getting bigger and more uncomfortable by the day. It is worth it though, because I can see and feel Eva growing and getting more and more active. She lets me know she's doing well every single day by kicking me and rolling around. I can feel her up by my belly button now. She moving around more and more and taking full advantage of all the room she's got in there.

The only change so far has been that we have decided to stay with Dr. Papp and let her deliver Eva at Doctor's Hospital. If we don't stay with her, we would have to start all over with a brand new Dr and I don't want to do that. We would rather stay with her as we have been very pleased with the care she has provided and with her staff and the hospital staff. We will just pray for as peaceful of an experience as possible so that it's not too painful for me to return to the hospital after Eva arrives.

I will try to post pictures when I can. I really hate how long it takes to download photos here. I may just put it all on Snapfish and refer you all there to look at photos. If you just can't wait to see pictures of our trip, Dan has posted some on his Facebook page. If you are friends with him, pop over there and take a look.

California

2009-04-05T14:10:00.000-04:00

We are enjoying our week in California. Dan's dad turned 60 yesterday and we through him a surprise bash. It was wonderfully planned for over 6months and we can't believe that everyone held in the secret for so long. Friday night we had a wonderful dinner and yesterday was a bus tour through wine country (no car seat on the bus!!! - talk about nervous mommy), including a stop at 2 vineyards and a picnic lunch at a nature and art preservation. The weather couldn't have been more perfect! I was not expecting so much walking, so I did get pretty exhausted quickly and with my irritable uterus had to sit out a couple of times to rest. By the end of the LONG day I was bushed. The house was full of family and friends and it was very difficult to just sit down. All the up and down gave me several BH contractions, but Eva stayed active through it all, so I knew all was well. By the end of the day, my lower back and pelvis KILL me, but that's normal for any pregnancy when you've already gained 20lbs and have to carry around a 30lb toddler.

That's right, Hannah is already 30lbs! Well, almost, but it's such a small margin, we just round up. She's getting so big, she is in 3T clothes now - for height more than width. It's tough to find the right pants. Luckily, we are coming up on dress season. Also, she only has 3lbs before we have to turn her forward facing full-time in her current car seats. 3years and 30lbs was my goal and we are almost there. She may even make it to 4yrs if those 3lbs come on slowly. I may turn her earlier though, since her body is finally catching up to her head. What a big milestone that will be for us.

Dan had to leave today and we will miss him very much. Duty calls. Hannah and I will stay until Thursday so that we can celebrate the first night of Passover with the family. There are great parks here and wonderful outdoor shopping areas. When it's just the girls, we relax a lot and play a lot and shop a lot. I am looking forward to it. We really wanted to swim, but it's not quite warm enough yet; the pool water is still freezing. We haven't found any indoor pools, but are hunting for one. I'll let you know if we make it to the pool.

I have tons of pics I have been meaning to post from home and from California, but I don't know how to do it here and they have Macs and I will not risk messing something up. I will post several pics when we return home. Hopefully that will catch everyone up.

I will get back to mingling with family now. See you all next week.

Miracles

2009-03-30T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately, A LOT - as a matter of fact, my brain rarely shuts up these days. I think about Eva, Hannah, Dan, our marriage, our future, my family, my wonderful friends, etc. All these thoughts bring me back to the Lord and just how wonderful He is to me. He is really wonderful, beyond measure, and beyond words, and beyond any human comprehension. Several things have happened in the last 2 weeks that are no doubt God showing Himself to me. It is really easy to get lost in anger and despair in times like this. It is really easy to turn on God, to blame Him for the heartaches we endure. However, I am grateful to have a real relationship with the Lord so that I know that those thoughts of anger and despair are not from God nor should they be directed AT God. As a matter of fact, He will use these heartaches for good. Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." My relationship with the Lord has grown tremendously through this, as I am learning what it really means to Trust Him, to really TRUST HIM in all ways.

As I was leaving the meeting with the neonatologist on the 12th of last month, I was finally SURE that I was not going to deliver Eva early. I was given peace that told me what my decision would be. As I sat in the car after the meeting, I spoke with God and told Him that I was trusting Him with Eva, with my pregnancy, with Eva's birth, her life, her death, my marriage, with everything in my life really. The next day, Hannah and I were browsing Target clearance (which is our weekly routine) and I was thinking we should look at journals so that I could write my thoughts to Eva and save them forever. I was wanting something really special, not just any old journal. Just as we rounded the corner to look at the clearance end cap, THIS journal was sitting there right on top. Was this a sign or what?

Second huge sign was this past Tuesday. I had an appointment with my OB and they did an ultrasound to check on Eva before my trip. It was not a great appointment as they told me that my placenta is large, my amniotic fluid is low, and the tech "thinks" that the valve in Eva's heart has stopped working. None of those things are good signs. I left feeling let down and a little low. I didn't want things to look any worse than they had been last time, but they seem to be. I came home and checked my blogs during nap time. I opened to these two entries by two moms I have been "following". I have spoken of the "Bring the Rain" blog (this mom lost her daughter shortly after birth) and MckMama's son wasn't given a chance to live as his heart was failing even in the womb. However, after birth he amazed the Doctors and was able to go home (he is now having heart trouble again after 4months of being healthy). These two entries are related and the first one references the second. If you have time, you should really read these entries and even the ones before and after them. This was exactly what I needed on that day. It is amazing that as I read about these two women, and many others who have lived this nightmare, I have had these EXACT same thoughts and emotions. There is an odd connection between anyone who has lived this. I realize, too, how Eva IS a miracle. The things God is doing through her and with her IS a miracle. Every minute I get to hold her in my womb IS a miracle. Every minute He allows us to spend with her IS a mircle. I have no doubt there is more in store for us through this little life. Eva is more than a set of "imbalanced chromosomes"; she is more than a list of "abnormalities"; she is my daughter and she is a child of God and she IS a miracle. So, after reading these entries and thinking this for several hours, I find this photo frame at the consignment shop. Just another in a series of ways God is showing Himself to me through all of this.

Also, during Bible study last week, we read an entry about God being sovereign and how we cannot change Him or His will (this is what MckMama was writing about too). He knows all before it happens. He knows our prayers before we speak them. We beseech Him in many ways, but our ways are not His ways and our plans are not His plans. That is why I will continue to praise Him through all of this heartache. I will praise Him if He heals Eva, I will praise Him if He takes her home from my womb, I will praise Him if He allows us to meet her, I will praise Him for every second He may allow us to spend with her, and I will continue to praise Him forever and ever, even after Eva is gone - no matter how much time we are allowed with her. He will make many miracles from her life. He already has in many ways - I am changed, my marriage is changed, my relationships with friends and family are changed. Those are all miracles that God has allowed through Eva's life so far. I know there will be many, many more.

I am also writing an entry in Eva's journal where I specialize Psalm 139 just for her. I have read that Psalm over and over and over again. It is amazing and gives me such peace in knowing that God knows Eva personally and is caring for her and will be with her forever. He knows every hair on her head and every minute that her life will bring. He already knows her and loves her, just as He does each of His children. If you have a chance, read Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16. I will post my "special" version when I can.

Finally, my Aunt asked if there was anything she could do for us. She lives in San Diego and rarely gets to visit. She had a baby blanket knitted for Hannah and I thought it would be very special if we had one just like it (only smaller) to wrap Eva in during our time with her. She is having it made right now. What a special keep sake that will be; for both of our daughters to have the same baby blanket. Here is a portion of Hannah's blanket that will be copied for Eva.

Anything else? Can I get a break? A little one? Please?

2009-03-22T10:19:00.000-04:00

Well, the ants are dying as they come in. That is a great thing, except I am cleaning up ant carcasses every day again. What ever, as long as stay away. Hannah is still sure she sees ants everywhere. As soon as they stop coming in, maybe she will believe me that they can't get her.

Other than that, I am about to leave to get $450 of repairs done on my car. I drove to two different places and called a few more to get the best estimate on brakes and a new belt. I was even told my A/C compressor is going out. That is a huge repair, but we are waiting to see if it actually goes out. If it does, we are in trouble. Dan may have to drive my car this summer since he can stand the heat with the windows down and rarely uses the A/C anyway. My car isn't 5 yrs old and only has 61,000 miles.

Is all this really necessary? Can I please get a break from the expensive repairs and unnecessary drama in my life. I think that baby Eva is just about all I should have to handle right now. So, can I please get a break for a little while? Just a little break? I just want more than a few good days in a row before I get beaten down again. I'm trying to deal with all of this as best I can and stay positive and look for the end and the meaning that might be found in all of this, but really, I'm just tired. I need that break. I need more good days than bad for just a little while. Please?

Also, I have been shopping for Hannah Spring clothes. This means walking through the baby section at every store we go to. It's finally hitting me and making me sad that I won't be buying any cute new outfits for Eva. Well, I will buy a few, but they will only be used once and I need to shop for preemie clothes because she will likely be very small. It's finally starting to get me bummed out. Hannah needs clothes, but I wish her size wasn't right next to the newborn stuff. When I'm already having a bad day, that just really bums me out.

My breasts are also starting to fill up and that is just a reminder that my milk will come in and I won't have a baby to feed. I am really hoping that I get to feed Eva just once. If she can't nurse, I will pump for her and feed her another way. I loved my nursing relationship with Hannah obviously, since we did it for so long, and I long for that with Eva. I will miss that a lot. I am dreading the process of my milk coming in and having to dry it up with no baby. I'm sure that will be part of the grieving.

This all sucks. I really need more than a few days to deal with all of this in a healthy way, start to feel better, and have some fun and "normal" days before I get knocked down again. Really! Stop knocking me down. Please give us several months to just deal with Eva and not our house being infested or our walls falling down or our cars breaking down or our bank account running dry or death in the family or poisoning from our own furnace or any more expensive repairs of anything that make it clear that our debt is piling up fast and and the stack of medical bills is growing every day. PLEASE! Just give it a rest! Give us a break!

Thank you! Now I'm off to fix the car and hopefully go shopping by myself for a few hours and unwind while Dan cares for Hannah on his ONE day off this week. Just a few hours of uninterrupted fun for me would be nice. I hope I find something fun for myself on sale so I can justify buying something for myself for a change (other than donuts and soda).

Just came back to add that I really am doing ok - all things considered. I am handling things well without becoming a basket case, and that is no small feat. Don't worry about me, just pray that we are able to stand on our feet for while without being knocked down. Even if we are knocked down again, I have no doubt that we will get back up and keep going because we have the Lord on our side and he will carry us through. The Evil One, our Soul's enemy, can keep trying but he will not break us. We know someone who can always pick us up and put us back together again.

ants update

2009-03-18T18:42:00.000-04:00

I thought they got the hint and went away, but when we got home from play group, there were many, many, many of them. I had dead ant carcass all over the front floor until I picked up all the toys and cleaned up. Gross! I called in Orkin - they will be here Friday morning. My dad is picking up the tab; he's so sweet. He told me to not waste my time buying different things and sprinkling food on my floor, so we called in the professionals. I hope the treatment lasts through the summer. The best part? It also covers other pests as well, even spiders, centipedes, and mice. Hopefully we will be pest free for a few months. I'll let you know.

Also, playgroup was AWESOME this morning! It was close to 70 degrees while we were there at the Bull's house and we played outside the whole time. Hannah really enjoyed it and I needed to get the sun. I love T-shirt and flipflop weather. I hope it stays.

Ants!

2009-03-17T18:07:00.001-04:00

We are fighting ants here again. We did this last year too. They are the little black ones. They don't seem to be too smart or organized, just annoying. I put down cinnamon inside the house and then spread granules around the garden outside the front of the house, but they are not deterred. It's freaking Hannah out. It looks like they are coming in under the baseboards under the front windows. I can't ever see them entering, though. Help! I don't want to spray poison in the house, but maybe I should get a spray for the outside. At first they were staying around the front area, but I cleaned the area well, and today they ventured inside and found the dog food. Now I have to keep that picked up most of the day, but the cabinets are next. UGH! Make them go away!

Our month in pictures

2009-03-09T10:29:00.000-04:00

Well, I am feeling better today, so I thought I would finally post some pictures from our month. I realize looking at these that I don't take near enough pictures. In the last week alone we:
Sat - saw Disney on Ice and enjoyed pop corn and cotton candy.
Sun - enjoyed time with friends at our Bible Study group.
Mon - went to Chick Fil A with friends and played on the play ground.
Tues - went to story time then Hannah stayed with friends while I waited for the new furnace.
Wed - went to play group at a huge indoor play ground.
Thur - Madeline came over to play so that her mom could sleep off her cold.
Fri - went to the Hinze's to play with friends.
Sat - went to the zoo with friends and enjoyed 70 degree weather.
Sun - continued to enjoy the warm weather by going to the mall to ride the cars (only have phone pics) and went to Bible Study for more time with good friends.
Today, we are off to the airport to welcome Daddy back home. We will be going grocery shopping and buying healthy snacks for all of us - as I ate a whole box of powdered sugar donuts last night (part before bed and then two more helpings at different times in the middle of the night - I don't sleep well when Dan is away) and am really feeling the effects today. I need to buy fruits and vegetables.
Who knows what this week will bring, but I'm hopeful I will continue to feel better each day.

Now for the few pictures I have from all that activity. There are a ton from Disney on Ice, but it was a fun night and I know my family is dying for pictures. Please forgive the volume of pics, but I don't take the time to download often.

DISNEY ON ICE: Sitting on Mom's lap
In aweSharing pop corn with DaddyAfter we sent Daddy for some cotton candy The resulting mess (can you see how shiny her hands are?)The clean up
Now I'll sit in Daddy's lap because he shared the good stuff The girls
The Family
Some of the action

Playing Doctor with Daddy and the puppies

This is how Hannah spends much of her time - lining up her toys and making me take pictures. She is very proud. She said it was a birthday cake after she added the crayons to the circle of fish. Then she thought they should be in a row on the table - she took the last two pictures herself.
Our day at the zoo. She wouldn't let the Boppy go. We looked at the Gorillas for a while, then the aquarium - our favorite. She wouldn't turn around for me here, but, yes, she still had blanky and boppy.
Finally, our Play Doh hearts. We need to make one for Daddy, too. Maybe tonight.

Broken

2009-03-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

I am very, very broken right now. I feel as though I am walking in a daze. Every morning I wake up and it takes a minute to remember that it's morning and then it hits me again that I am carrying my daughter that I will never get to know. That minute in the morning before I remember is probably the most peace I have in a day. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. All I want to do is curl back up and fall back asleep. I have to make myself put my feet on the floor. Make myself get up and get dressed. I make myself walk into Hannah's room to start the day. I ask her to come with me back to bed and watch cartoons. She always refuses and says, "no, Mommy, the living room." I am not ready for the living room yet. The living room brings life and I don't want to be in this life right now. It's not the life I want. I don't want to live this. I don't want to walk in this. I know that God is using Hannah to get me through the day. I know that he is carrying me through the day. He has placed friends in my life that are carrying me through the day. I have made myself get out of the house several times in the last 2 weeks. We have gone to play dates and even the zoo. I do it for Hannah. I do it to escape the house. I just go through the motions. I am not myself at all. I am a shell of a person. I am alone in my grief. I catch glimpses of happiness when I see Hannah's joy. I know that she senses my grief. I want to spare her from this, but I know that I can't. I just try to smile as much as I can and make myself play with her even when it hurts. Tonight she asked me to help her with her Play Doh. I hate Play Doh. I didn't know I would be involved in this when I bought the stuff. I tried to refuse and she insisted that she needed help making a heart. I couldn't turn her down and we sat together and made hearts. We made 3 - one large and two smaller ones. I couldn't help but think that they represted my heart and the hearts of my two daughters. It made me smile and cry at the same time. I just feel so broken and don't know how I am going to survive this.

I have found comfort in the blog I wrote about before, "Bring the Rain". I think you can find it if you search for Audrey Caroline at blogspot. This woman knows what I am walking in because she has been here too. As I read her words I am blown away by the fact that she has written exactly what I am feeling. Exactly. I read her words and think "YES!" that's exactly what it's like. That's exactly what I feel. Reading what she went through and how she got through it is helping me. I read her entries when I can, when I have a few minutes here and there, when it's ok to cry (I hate for Hannah to see me cry). I have also been able to turn to an old friend who has been where I'm at. I was with her when she was mourning the loss of her 3rd child by miscarraige and then again when she was celebrating the survival of her daughter, born at 29weeks, and I was there at the funeral of her son born too soon at 24weeks - he passed away in her arms. We spoke on the phone for hours last night. She told me of her regrets so that I could try to avoid them with my daughter. We spoke about how to plan for a child's death, how to plan a service, burial, memories, how to tell a toddler that their sibling is not coming home, etc. We spoke of these things so openly and easily. Only a woman who has been here can understand the feelings that come with it. It is horrible to imagine planning the death of your child, but doing so gives peace at the same time. I am planning these things so that I make sure to honor her life. I want to acknowledge that she is my daughter, that I love her, that she is wanted, and I will honor her while she is here - how ever long that is- and I will honor her in death. Planning these things for her is giving me peace.

I lay in bed at night just wanting to fall asleep and foget for a little while, but that is always when she chooses to kick me. I lay in bed for hours just pushing on my stomach and watching it twitch. Just trying to enjoy every moment I have with her. Imagining her playing in my womb, kicking her feet, trying to put them in her mouth like she did during the sonogram. I am amazed that she is holding on. There has to be a reason that she is still here, heart still beating, still moving and playing. I will do my best to enjoy these late night hours, in spite of my exhaustion. I know these moments are the only ones I will have of her.

I don't like opening up and showing my weakness to my friends. I feel so fragile and exposed at times like this. I guess I just needed to let everyone know what I really feel. I am not strong or brave or anything other than sad, and scared, and broken. I walk through the day because I have to. I take care of Hannah because I have to. I only eat when my body tells me I have to. I only bathe out of concern for other's who have to be around me. I only take out the trash because I can't stand the smell. I only do the dishes so that I have something to feed my daughter on (Dan can fend for himself). I only do the things I have to do. I only leave the house because it is a distraction. It takes me away from the bed I want to crawl into. It gives Hannah something to do so that I can be quiet for a little while. I only go around my friends so that I may listen to conversation that doesn't revolve around sadness. Even during those moments, when I am pretending to be normal, I am constantly thinking about what I am preparing for. It never leaves me. I am walking in a daze and feel so broken. I long for nap time and bed time so I can just be. I am only functioning because of the Grace of God and the support of those who are showing me love.

I have written this to get my thoughts out and I struggled with rather or not to post it. I have no other outlet and I guess it's ok to be vulnerable in front of my friends and family. I won't likely open up like this in person. I just need you to know that I am not strong. I am weak and I need help. I need prayer. I need so many things that I don't even know what they are.

P.S. I have thought of a name for my daughter. I'm not sure if it's the right one. Everytime I talk to her, it feels weird to give her a name. Nothing seems to fit her. I don't know if I will decide until I meet her. I will leave her name unspoken for now, until I decide what's right. For now, she's just my baby girl. I love her very much and long to hold her and kiss her and tell her all these things.

Oh Hannah.....

2009-03-02T23:08:00.000-05:00

Just to update from last night. Hannah only called me in one time last night so I let her pick out one book and she also talked me into a game, but we had a rough day and she was really good at Erin's house, so I think it's ok.

So tonight, she goes to bed easily again...for about 30min. Then I hear her start talking to herself...then I hear her build up "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy" louder and louder each time. I go in and she stands up with a mischievous grin on her face and holds up her fingers one by one as she says:
"I have a pee pee"
"I have a cough"
"My elbow hurts"
I say, "your elbow hurts?".
"AND, I have a pee pee AND I have cough"
I know this translates to, I need a new diaper, I need water, and Daddy needs to kiss my elbow.
So, we change diaper, while Hannah gives herself a little bath with a wipe (she also washes my arms). Then she asks for water. I bring her the purple cup that is waiting by her door and she says "no, pink water". Well, earlier in the night she chose the purple cup so I said "no, this is the only water for tonight". Ok, then she needs a kiss on the elbow. I go to kiss her and she says "no, Daddy kiss it". Well, Daddy went to sleep early for once so we are not disturbing him. She settles for my kisses then asks for several more drinks of water.

I finally had to threaten her with no story time tomorrow if she didn't lay down right then and not call me in again.

I haven't heard from her since. I hope she doesn't think she will get a treat every time she goes to bed. I'll just have to come up with a punishment system rather than a reward. She really is something else....

Our Brilliant Hannah

2009-03-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

As I was reading to Hannah tonight, she started to say the words before I had read them. Each time I turned the page, I waited to see if she knew what was coming. She did! She really amazes us more every day! At the end of the book she asked to read it again. I let her read it to me and called Dan in half-way through so he could marvel at our brilliant daughter. She promised to go to bed without trouble tonight if I take her to the book store and buy her "five" (her new magic numbuer) new Clifford books. I guess that's a good deal, but now I hear that she's already calling for me. We'll see if she earns her books or not. Maybe we'll just get "two" (her other magic number).
By the way, the book she has memorized is Clifford's Family. We got it from the Advocates group while we were decorating the children's room in the ER. Thanks ladies!

P.S. We had a great time at Disney on Ice last night. Hannah wished there was more Mickey, but she still enjoyed every second of it. She even talked us into buying popcorn AND cotton candy and even got a Buzz Light Year ("buzz light beer") action figure at the end of the night. I will post pics from our night tomorrow - Dan has the desk top occupied for the night working on a case presentation - AGAIN!

Update

2009-02-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

I finally added a few pictures of my new niece with mom and dad. She is beautiful and is being such a great baby. My brother (Phillip) and Mary look so happy to be with their new daughter. I am so proud of my brother and can't wait until I can visit and see them together in person.

Also, I have to thank all of you who have prayed for us, sent meals, sent e-mails, sent cards, or who are just thinking about us during this very difficult time. We are so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. This has been the worst week of our lives and I'm afraid there will be more sorrow to come. For now, though, I am finding peace with our situation. The Lord is always faithful to provide and never forsake. I have been pointed to many great scriptures and songs recently that bring my back to what it's all about and help me focus on the big picture.

I mourned all week long and I think I have finally accepted that our daughter is not going to have the life we had envisioned for her. I know, though, that her life is serving a purpose. No matter how long we have with her, I know she is changing us and she will continue to. Dan and I have become very close this week. It's through the tough times that we are reminded that we are truly best friends. Only he can hold me and comfort me in the really dark times. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful husband and father for my children.

My mind has been racing all week long and I am finally at a point where I can just sit back and take one day at a time. I know we will get through this, no matter how hard it is moment to moment.

A friend pointed me to a wonderful blog entitled "Bring the Rain". It's a line from a Christian song and reading the lyrics on that blog made me realize why a certain song has been on my mind for several weeks now. It's interesting how you notice these coincidences after the fact and realize how they may not be coincidences after all, but God speaking to your heart. The lyrics are below.

Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone (yeah oh oh)

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Also, just have to share a couple of scriptures that others have led me to.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Finally, just a warning: I tend to over share, and then change my mind and wish I hadn't opened up so much. So, I may not leave all of this up. But for now, it was therapeutic to get it all out.

Madeline Rose is here!

2009-02-17T12:16:00.000-05:00

Mom was induced at 3am Monday morning. Her labor was slow to progress. She was only 4cm at 10pm, so they turned off the pitocin and let her get some rest over night. She dilated on her own overnight and was 10cm at 8am. She pushed for 1.5hrs with a little help from some pitocin in the end. Madeline was born at 9:25am central time. She weighed 7lbs 1oz and is 20inches long (with the cone head), so probably really 19inches. She has light blonde hair, just like her parents, even has blonde/white eye lashes and eye brows. Can't wait to meet her in person!

Yay! I'm a new aunt! I will post pictures as soon as I can figure out how to get them off of my phone or when I get come via e-mail.

Maddy is almost here!

2009-02-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

My brother's girlfriend is being induced this morning. Actually, she started the process at 3am! Hopefully it goes quickly and easily for her and baby and I will posting pictures of my new niece in a few hours. I can't wait to meet baby Madeline "Maddy".

Salma Hayek is my hero!

2009-02-11T13:45:00.000-05:00

I was given this link by a friend and it made me cry. Salma Hayek nursed a starving baby in Africa while she was there. She shares a story about her Great-grandmother doing the same thing and it is very touching.

http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/02/10/salma-hayek-breast-feeds-a-hungry-african-babe/?icid=200100397x1218985984x1201212187

I love how she treats it so naturally and is not camera shy. I love it when mothers are not ashamed of nursing and are able to show how natural and beautiful it truly is.

No more fruit!

2009-02-02T12:51:00.000-05:00

Hannah is very sensitive to fruit. It makes her really gassy. I have to really limit her fruit intake. She LOVES fruit so much, that if I keep it stocked in the fridge, that's all she wants to eat. Well, last night we went to a SuperBowl party which was really a get together with my Bible Study group and a play time for the kids. The men watched the game in another room. A great big thanks to Julie and Josh for hosting.

Anyway, Hannah ate lots of pears, and grapes and drank apple juice. I knew she was eating a lot, but I figured it was no big deal, she would be fine, etc. Last night I put her to bed without issue. Around 10:30, she wakes up screaming. I go to her, she wants Dan, Dan comes in and neither of us can comfort her. She was screaming with terrible gas pain until 1:30am. Poor baby was in so much pain nothing could comfort her. I even resorted to trying to nurse her after 1hr of non-stop crying. She tried, but got mad and started crying "milkies all gone". I guess my milk is dried up finally. Poor baby could not get comfortable. She fell asleep on my lap for about 30min from 12 - 12:30am, then woke up screaming again. After she finally fell asleep in her crib, it was a huge relief. She woke up at her regular 9:30am and had a pretty good morning, although obviously exhausted. She started haveing pains again and once I could comfort her we laid down for an early nap time. I'm happy to report she is sleeping quietly at the moment. I'm going to try to get a small nap too to recover from last night.

From now on, I need to really limit her access to fruit, especially different kinds at one sitting. Poor thing, she loves fruit so much, but it just does not agree with her.

The Little Mermaid and Bedtime

2009-01-31T11:57:00.000-05:00

I've never really liked Disney movies and the messages they send to young girls. However, The Little Mermaid is an all time favorite of mine so I let Hannah watch it. I didn't think we would have issues at 2.5yrs. Well, I was wrong. Last night, I asked Hannah for a kiss and she came at me with her head tilted to the side and her mouth open. I said, that's not how we kiss Mommy. Who kisses like that? She says, little mermaid kisses. Well, great! Now I've got to figure out how to get her to stop doing that.

Last night, Hannah was put down around 9pm for bedtime. At 11pm, she was still playing/singing in her crib. Dan went to her door to listen to what she was saying. She was in her crib rehearsing her many excuses and stall tactics. Dan overheard her saying, "my head hurts. my finger hurts. my foot hurts. my ear hurts." etc, etc, etc. We just about died laughing! She is so funny. She is really good at getting us to come in her room with her fake crying and excuses for kissing her boo-boos. I guess she sits in bed at night and rehearses her "act".

A few things

2009-01-29T12:57:00.000-05:00

First, a small update on me. I'm still having a tough time with this pregnancy. Good news is that the baby is GREAT! It's just Mommy that's having a rough time of it lately. After my stomach bug went away, I started having other feminine/pregnancy issues that cause me to stay off my feet as much as possible. Not fun at all; the house is a disaster. If you can imagine having a 2.5yo running around the house with an immobile Mommy and a Daddy with one broken foot, you can imagine how things can get out of hand quickly. Dan has really been stepping up to help, even on one foot, but he's been doing too much. So, today, a friend is running to the store for us (Keren, you are a life saver!) and I am hiring our babysitter to take out the trash and shovel the driveway/sidewalk. Dan has been doing these things, but he's really pushing it on one foot. It stinks to have 2 handicapped parents, but this too shall pass.

As for Hannah, she is rare form lately. She has been so good. She's been sweet and kind and taking care of us for a change. We both feel badly when we have to tell her we can't do something. It's sad when she asks, "but why?". Dan managed to play in the snow with her the other night and last night, when I couldn't put her in the back carrier, she carried her babies on her back instead. I finally have pictures to post. Yay! Enjoy! I put them at the bottom.

A couple of funny Hannah moments:
The other night when my problems got bad and I was laying in bed, I explained to her that she had to either lay next to me in bed and not get up, or go watch a movie with Daddy and not get up. She chose a movie with Daddy - Nemo to be exact. On the way out of the room, she covered me with a blanket, put her babies beside me, gave me a kiss and turned off the light. I told her, "Hannah, you are the best girl." She replied, "I know!"

When I had to go to the ER Tuesday night, she came with us and walked around with Dan and met all of the Drs and nurses. She was, again, the best girl. I thought I was hiding from her what was wrong with me. I just told her Mommy didn't feel well. Well, she's too smart for me. At one point she crawled up on the cot with me, laid downa and asked for a shot. We asked why, what's wrong and she answered, "I need a shot for my tushie, like Mommy". Boy was I red. Then, after the Drs saw me, she asked, "Mommy, is your tushie all better?". From the mouths of babes. You can't keep anything from this kid, let me tell you.

P.S. please no questions about the exact problem. We'll just leave it at "feminine/pregnancy problems". OK?

On this night, we gave our pink bear a bath and put on his pj's and laid in bed with him and gave him milk until he was asleep.

All that hard work and Hannah got a boo-boo on her nose and needed a Dora bandaid.
Next day, we got out all of our favorite dolls and put on a show, then lined up all the small pieces to a toy on the TV stand.
If Mommy can't do any baby carrying, Hannah will do it herself. Two babies at one time is hard work. When Hannah got bundled up for the snow, she could barely move. It was funny to watch her waddle outside, but she was very excited to make "snow bunnies".
It was dark by the time they were ready to go out, but they still had a blast. Mommy stayed in and only stepped out to take 2 quick pictures - this was the only good one.

Update

2009-01-22T18:15:00.000-05:00

Hannah and I just returned from a week long vacation to Texas and Arkansas. We flew to Dallas, stayed with my parents for one night, rented a car and drove to Hot Springs (with my mom) for a 4 night stay, then drove back to Fort Worth for another 2 nights with my parents. It was a fun trip. My brother's girlfriend had her baby shower on the 17th, so we used that as an excuse to go down and visit. My niece is due on Feb 19th and I had never met Mary (brother's girlfriend). She was lovely and we enjoyed staying with them. Her family through a great baby shower and it seems they have just about everything they need for the new arrival. They plan to name her Madeline and call her Maddy. Not sure on the middle name yet. I am super excited to meet her!

I also got to spend time with my sister while I was there. Brother and sister live 30 minutes from each other, but are currently not speaking - acting childish over a stupid fight. My family is never without drama. So, we had to split our time, but it was still fun. Hannah loved being spoiled. She didn't have to nap, got to eat all the junk she wanted, got new toys at EVERY store we went into, and stayed up late every night. Hannah stayed true to her picky sleeping ways and refused to nap in the car. I think she fell asleep for 20min during each car ride (over 7-8hrs in the car). She's such a stinker. She was very pleasant, though, especially for a 2yo who was sleep deprived. I was very proud of her.

On the plane ride back home yesterday, I got sick and vomited in the bathroom twice on the first leg and once in a plastic bag on the 2nd leg (the bathroom was occupied). Thankfully, Hannah was strapped in her car seat the whole time and it barely phased her that I left her alone to take care of business. It was extremely embarrassing to have to use a bag from my seat on the last flight. I just told our aisle mate that I was pregnant, not sick. She was very understanding. Then I continued to be sick on the way home and well into the night. Hannah kept telling me to "stop coughing, Mommy! Stop coughing!" I'm doing a little better today, just weak from not eating/drinking much. At least I can hold things down today. I guess I should never eat airport food again.

Other than that, we are getting back into our Columbus routine. We had nap time today and Hannah has enjoyed getting reacquainted with her toys we left behind. I can't wait to catch up with my group of friends here. I missed everyone so much. Hannah has talked about her friends the whole time. Can't wait for Sunday night and play group next week.

Also, BIG NEWS.....Hannah is officially weaned!!! YAY!! She hasn't even asked for over a week. Well, except for during Church on Sunday when she began yelling "milkies, milkies, milkies!" over and over. I just walked out to the foyer and calmed her down. She hasn't asked since. She was just NOT impressed with the service and thought that would distract her I guess. But, yeah, I have a big girl now! Only a few more months of a break before I start it all over again with another little one. At least I won't be nursing 2 at the same time. I know several women who do it, but I don't want to join them. Now, I can only hope and pray that Hannah doesn't revolt when the new baby starts to nurse. Not sure how I will handle that one. Nursing this long has pros and cons. I have enjoyed our nursing relationship very much, until the past few months. I will definitely miss it, but now she has started playing with my hair when we cuddle at bed time. Still super sweet and a great time to bond with my big girl.

Yay for Gov. Strickland!

2009-01-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

The Ohio Governor just signed a new booster seat law. I'm so happy! After coming from Texas where any child over 36" can ride in an adult seat belt, to Ohio, where the law wasn't much better, I am very excited about this change. More and more states are coming around and doing their part to make children safer in the car.

The new law states that children under 8 years old and under 4ft 9inches must be in a booster seat.

Why do we need a law you ask? Because the majority of parents think that if something isn't against the law, it must be safe. They will only put their children in a car seat if the law says they have to, same with boosters, bike helmets, leaving children home alone, leaving them alone in the car, etc. It's sad that the law has to tell parents how to protect their children, but it is what it is. The laws of physics don't change just because the laws of the State do, but it is a big jump in the right direction and I hope more states continue to follow suit.

A big thumbs up to Governor Strickland and the sponsors of the bill. I'm proud of you!!

And now for my usual car safety links:
When is my child ready to ride in an adult seat belt? I love this information, written by a Child Passenger Safety Technician on car-seat.org. Filled with great information.
Another link to the 5- step test.

Correction

2008-12-30T21:41:00.000-05:00

I just heard the whole story from Dan about who all helped him out in the ER and radiology dept yesterday. I only gave credit to Dr. Cheney in my last post, but several ER, radiology, and ortho guys helped out. Maybe some Drs from other specialties as well, I can't remember right now. So, great big thanks to Drs. Cheney, Elliott, Smith, Russell, and DeLucia. There were more, but those names stuck in my head and the others went away...I blame preggy brain on that one. Dan says that DeLucia did the splint itself. Great job on that. It looks great! We can't wait for the cast, though, so that Hannah can color on it. She's excited about it as well.

We really appreciate all the help in getting Dan checked out and splinted and on his way without breaking our bank. You are all the best. We are lucky to know all of you. I wanted to make sure to thank all of you. I know a lot of the wives of the Drs read this blog, so please send thanks to your husbands and be proud of them. They are really great friends!

It's broken!

2008-12-29T17:51:00.000-05:00

Dan came home from soccer last night with a broken foot. He didn't have it looked at until today and the x-ray confirmed that it's broken. It's broken in a questionable spot on the outer side of the foot and Dr. Cheney (Libby, tell Nick thank you for me) suggested that Dan see a ortho foot/ankle specialist. That's just great. We are out of money for the year, so Cheney was able to not charge (thank you again). However, I'm sure the specialist won't be so accommodating. He doesn't go in until next week, so at least insurance will cover it, but that just means we will run out even more quickly and have to pay even more out of pocket for the baby visits and delivery and pedi appts.

Sorry for the doom and gloom, but I am not feeling well again and I really HATE soccer. There is rarely a game when Dan doesn't get injured somehow or come home needing to ice some part of his body. I don't get the attraction. Now he is on crutches for at least 6-8 weeks, more if the specialist says he needs surgery. I have a funny feeling I will be getting even less help around house now and much of the work I did with MIL last week will be thrown out the window.

Again, sorry for the gloom and doom, but hard to see the bright side at this point. Going to lie in a dark room for a minute and try not to puke.

Christannukah Week

2008-12-25T21:08:00.000-05:00

Well, tonight is the 5th night of Hanukkah and the only Christmas. We have had a great holiday so far. Hannah has not been short on presents AT ALL. Dan's mom came in town on Monday night. We had a good dinner together at Red Robin (we love that restaurant when Hannah is with us). Then, Tuesday morning, we went to work on the house. Hannah's room was first. We emptied out the drawers and closet, cleaned, moved furniture, sorted outgrown clothes into bins (with labels via my new label maker - thanks Sue!), sorted others into charity or consignment, then put everything back into the room in an orderly fashion. Wednesday, we hung up decorations in Hannah's room and continued the organizing/cleaning into Mommy and Daddy's room. We got rid of anything we don't wear much, or is worn out/out grown, cleaned (it really needed a good vacuuming), and reorganized. I feel SOOOOO much better about the house now. I feel the MIL helped me get it to a place that Dan and I can take over, finish, and keep up with the changes. Hannah's toys in the living room are even organized into bins (thanks again Emmy!) and we even cleaned out the ottoman. Now, even with the new toys Hannah got this week (and we still have 3 more nights to go), we have an organized and liveable living room. I may even be willing to host another play group now that the toys are more manageable.

Anyway, I will post pictures of Hannah's new big girl room soon and maybe even my own room when I get some things on the walls.

Thanks Emmy/Sue/MIL for everything you helped us with this week. We really enjoyed having you and really need the help to jump start the re-organizing of the bedrooms. I appreciate it very much, we all do. We miss our Emmy already. Hannah had a blast with you and is currently enjoying a game of Candy Land with Daddy while Mommy types on the blog.

See you very soon.....hopefully in California so we can escape the cold.

Great!

2008-12-17T20:52:00.001-05:00

This is what happens when Mommy tries to use the restroom in peace:

I told her to go to time out and she threw a bloody fit on the floor. I told her to straighten up and find the lid to the marker. When she couldn't find the lid, I threw the marker away. Well, a few minutes later, she finds piece of paper and shows me in a proud manner that she can color on paper. I tell her "yes, very good, color on paper only". Another minute later, she has dug the marker out of the trash and is using that marker to draw on the paper. Well, that marker is back in the trash and we are heading to bed as soon as Daddy comes home. Luckily, the Magic Eraser got most of the marker off the wall (it's still slightly visible if you look closely). Hannah's hands and arms are still discolored, but I can't use magic eraser on her skin. I am not patient enough to give her a bath, so she's going to bed blue and I'm going to bed nauseous. Oh what fun we're having.

I'm editing to add that Hannah just came up to me and pointed me to three more spots on the wall that I hadn't seen before. She was apparently trying to decorate the entire living and dining area. At least she's honest, right?

And, just because I know you have all been on the edge of your seats since my last post...
the remaining fish have survived our little incident. We still have 7 surviving fish. Out of the original 8, that's not too shabby.

We are hoping to have a visit from Emmy tomorrow night and through the weekend. Here's hoping she can get a seat on a very full plane in the morning. I really need the extra support right now. This house is a disaster and I obviously need someone to keep an eye on the munchkin so I can get some work done. Hannah's really embracing the Two's more and more each day.

Another picture just for fun and because it makes me remember the very nice weather we had not too long ago. Hannah dressed herself and had fun playing outside for the last few days of fall.

more fish drama

2008-12-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

Well, Dan thought it would be a good idea to let Hannah hold onto the food jar while they fed the fish last night. Hannah thought is would be a good idea to pour the entire jar of food into the tank...it was a big jar and almost totally full. NOT good! So, we changed as much of the water as we could last night. You aren't supposed to change too much water at once because it shocks the fish environment and the balance of bacteria/ammonia/and other such gunk in the tank. So, I woke up this morning to a very cloudy tank and one dead fish. I'm sure it was the one that was trapped under the treasure chest. The shock was too much for him all in the same week. I was sure we would loose the others today as they were all at the top of tank gasping for clean water/air...whatever they were needing. I went to the fish store and bought a special filter and changed more of the water. The remaining fish seem to be doing better. I will keep changing 50% of the water until it looks clear in there again. I can only hope they survive. So, no more perfect fish record, we've had our first casualty. Hannah didn't even notice.

A couple of positive things from the last few days:

1) I finally found Hannah the desk I've been searching for. I had to drive to New Albany to get it, but it's in really good shape, stores tons of arts/crafts supplies, and she loves it!

2) I've been able to go out 4 times this week for some fun, only one time without Hannah, but still fun. She got sick Sunday night, so the rest of the week has been rough, but she's been a trooper and is getting better every day. Hopefully, she will be well by this weekend and we can have some more fun outings.

3) On Monday, she was drawing on her Magna Doodle and drew one very small dot/circle. She showed it to me and said "that's the baby in you belly". So cute! She gets it now. Of course, now she has a baby in her belly too.

It's a Christannukah Miracle!

2008-12-06T20:47:00.000-05:00

That's what we call Christmas and Hannukah around the Clearfield house.
I have been noticing for the past few days that we were missing one of our "Birthday Fish". We bought Hannah 5 yellow fish for her birthday and have since added 2 black ones and one sucker fish. Anyway, I count them every day or so to make sure I don't need to fish out any dead ones. I finally went looking for the missing fish tonight, thinking he committed suicide by jumping into the filter, which these yellow fish seem to try quite often. Turns out he was stuck under the treasure chest. When he came floating out, he seemed pretty lifeless just laying on the bottom. I started to scoop him up with the net and he swam away, just barely. Then he lay on the bottom with labored breathing. I put food in the tank and......

HE'S ALIVE!!! He's swimming around like nothing ever happened. A few days stuck under a treasure chest barely phased him. What a survivor. So, we've had these fish for 6months and no casualties. Not bad for first time fish owners (well, unless you count childhood fish which I killed).

It was pretty funny. When I saw it laying there lifeless, I told Hannah the fish died and we had to flush him. Dan started to tell her about the fish dying and she could tell he was looking sad and she said "it's ok, Daddy". Then the fish started doing better, and she was clapping and jumping around. Such a happy day!

I guess I owe it to the guy to clean the tank now and give them some fresh water.

17* feels like 5!!!

2008-12-05T09:53:00.000-05:00

What the *&%$? This is the temperature outside right now. I am really hating hating Ohio this winter and it JUST started. Hannah just woke up, so I go to weather.com to see how many layers we need today. How the hell do you dress for 17 degrees, feels like 5?! That's nuts. Just insane. I need to leave the house today, I really really need to leave the house today. But I don't know how I will be able to make myself do it.

nothing much

2008-12-03T22:53:00.000-05:00

That's what I've been doing....nothing much. Just the usual. I'm still not feeling well, so we stay home a lot and watch a lot of TV. Well, Hannah watches Curious George The Movie.all.day.long and I get on the computer. It works for us. The house is starting to show my laziness and Dan is putting up with me pretty well. He should, seeing as he got me into this mess in the first place. Just kidding.

Hannah had portraits taken on Tuesday and they turned out really well. I will try to attach a few. I can only attach the proofs, but the prints are cropped better and turned out really well. I will attach 3 cute ones and 3 goofy ones, just for fun. Family can look forward to more prints of Hannah this year. She was such a big girl at the shoot and tried her best to pose like they asked. In the proofs, you can see all the silly faces she made in between the good shots. She's definitely got the "cheerleader smile" down pat. It works best not to tell her to smile, but to get her to laugh. She's such a doll.

She's been very sweet lately, well, when she wants to be. She is still being 2 and testing me every chance she gets, but overall, I can't complain too much about her. She is a really good kid. I think the worst of it at the moment is the whining. But, I can't really blame her when she's got a Mommy that's doing a lot of whining herself lately. When she's in a cuddly mood or just a sweet mood, she'll say "Mommy, you so cute." Makes my day.

I'll try to post again soon.

Hannah's scary tongue roll shot.
Posing and laying on the CHEESE
Being a real goof ball
Just being pretty
I'm not sure how to rotate these, but just tilt your head and get the idea.

Haven't come as far as we thought...

2008-11-22T08:52:00.000-05:00

Our newest addition will not be arriving until July. My official due date is July 6, 2009. We are hoping for a July 7 arrival, but will be thrilled with any day this little one decides to appear. I warned the sonogram tech that I didn't think I was already 11 weeks. As soon as she put the machine on my belly, she was sure.."oh, no way you're 11wks." She estimated 7wks 4days. Hannah did the same thing. We thought we were going in at about 10wks and she was barely 5wks. So, it looks as though I have several more weeks of morning sickness to look forward, but I'm armed with a few doses of Zofran to get me by on the bad days.

I was only disappointing because we are too early to even see the arms and legs, but we saw a very healthy little heart and got to hear it. Hannah was looking at the screen and trying to see it. When the tech was moving the machine to get different measurement, Hannah was saying, "I can't see the baby". Dan had to take her outside for a while so I could speak to the Dr peacefully. All the talk of the baby had Hannah wanting to go get her babies. She took the keys from my purse and said "I be back. I go get my babies." Dan humored her for a while. She was really cute the whole time.

I love the Dr we chose. Turns out she has had two natural deliveries herself, so I know that she believes that women can do it and I don't feel she will pressure me into any unecessary interventions that I don't ask for. She was very receptive to my plans and didn't seem concerned about Hannah's delivery repeating itself. Although, she did reassure me about their protocol if it does happen again. I was very impressed with her and have a great feeling about this one. The best thing is that we will deliver at Doctors Hospital, right down the street from home. I plan to stay home as long as I can before moving to the hospital and cannot imagine doing that if I had to travel very far. She did the same thing with her deliveries and was very supportive of that plan. I hope this little one cooperates with me. I have 7 months to prepare!

As for the rest of the day, we had friends come in from out of town and we met them as COSI until 5pm. They had to leave to go work an overnight job and we kept their 5yo son with us. We had dinner at Red Robin (great for the kids) and then saw Madagascar 2 and he spent the night with us. It was such a good time. Both of the kids were very well behaved and we were so proud. It gave us a good preview of the joys of having children 3yrs apart. We had to deal with the usual, "she's touching me, she won't let me play with that, she's being too loud, she won't let me sit there, etc". Good times, but I think we can do it. We will be spending the day with them again until they have to head back out of town on their cross country tour.

I promise I will post pics soon. I'm just really not feeling like doing it right now. I'm needed in the living room anyway to referee.

little energy

2008-11-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

I have very little energy these days. This new baby is not being kind to me. I am sick all day, with it getting worse around 4pm every day, like clockwork. I don't have the energy to post pics (sorry Sue and Libby).

We had a rough day today. Dan has had a busy week with interviews going on at the family clinic. He has been home late due to one thing or another and he had to work again this morning. He was due home around 12pm, but wasn't. It never fails that he's gone on my worst days. I was very ill this morning and Hannah was very hyper. She needed me to run around and play rough, which I can't do when I feel like I'm going to vomit at any moment and have a splitting headache. SO, with her not understanding my pleas for calm quiet play, we had several meltdowns and temper tantrums. At nap time, finally, she threw a fit about putting pants on. Not a fight I would usually take on except it was very cold in the house today and I knew she would just wake up cold and cry for me and not go back to sleep. During the struggle to put her pants on I had enough and slapped her on her bare thigh. She stopped immediately, starting crying pathetically and said "No, Mommy, don't hit me" with tears running down her face. We had a little talk about spanking and hitting and why you have to follow directions, etc. I got her to lay down and cried for hours. I've never felt bad about popping her before, but it was her reaction to it that got to me. I feel bad that I'm not my usual patient self. I feel really bad and I know that she is getting the short end of it lately. I really hope this phase passes quickly. I will know how far along I am next Friday and I'll know a little better how much longer this sickness may last. On a good note, when she's not throwing fits and driving me insane, Hannah is being very sweet and asking me if I'm ok and giving me hugs and kisses and making sure I eat snacks. She's always asking, "Mommy, you so happy?". She then says, "I'm so happy first".

Dan will be home most of the day tomorrow and I will really try to post some recent pics.

Sorry...

2008-11-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

...for the lack of blogs lately. I have zero energy, I'm nauseated, and I'm doing my best to make myself do the things that have to be done. SO, I haven't felt like sitting down and downloading pictures (it takes longer than I think it should). Some time soon, I will update everyone with super cute Hannah pictures. She has been taken pictures with our camera and has taken some really good ones all by herself. We also had Halloween with friends (Hannah was Elmo) andHannah has been enjoying football season with Daddy (which gives me much needed little breaks here and there). These and more pictures will be coming as soon as I find the energy.

A cute story to pass the time: One night I went to a movie with friends (High School Musical 3 - I think we were the only women there without children) and left Hannah with a babysitter until Daddy got home. Well, while waiting for me to get home, Dan had one of the students staying with us do OMM on his neck. Hannah thought they should pay attention to her and as a form of protest she dumped out all of her baby powder on the couch in the living room, the green fabric couch, not the black leather one that would have been better for cleaning - luckily, Daddy had it cleaned up before I got home. Apparently, she threw a big fit and ran through the house screaming and throwing things around. The couch got the brunt of it, though.

Hannah is now fully immersed in the Terrible Twos. She asks for things by whining and if not given to her immediately, she throws herself on the floor in protest. It's been quite a power struggle between the two of us the past week or so. I have learned to not give her anything unless she asks like a "nice girl" and I NEVER give in to her fits. It's been fun! No wonder I'm so exhausted.

I was telling Dan that I don't remember being this tired when I was pregnant with Hannah, then I realized that I wasn't chasing a 2 year-old all day when I was pregnant with her. To make it worse, I have terrible insomnia and can't take any medicine that actually helps. I'm doing my best, but I'm sitting here wondering why humans insist on having multiple children. Do we forget what they put us through? I haven't forgotten because I'm still living it, so why I wanted another one right now, I haven't quite figured out. I guess that's why God gives us 9 months to prepare.

Guess What?

2008-10-30T11:02:00.000-04:00

Hannah is going to be a.......

I just found out early this week, while Dan was out of town, and I told him by having Hannah wear this shirt to pick him up at the airport on Tuesday night. Didn't take him long to figure it out either. I just told Hannah to tell Daddy to look at her new shirt. We are very excited and expect this little one to make an appearance around the end of June 2009. I will have an exact due date in a few weeks. Keep checking back for updates.

Halloween pics coming soon...

Fun with characters

2008-10-12T00:23:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday, Hannah and I went to see Curious George at Barnes N Noble. She really enjoyed seeing George while stories were being read about him. After story time, we got to take pictures with George. At first, Hannah would only sit on the edge of the reading area and wave at George.
She finally asked me to go up with her for a picture.

Today (this Saturday), Daddy, Hannah and I went to see Bob and Larry from the VeggieTales at Lifeway Bookstore. Hannah had a great time with them and even gave them hugs and kisses.

While Bob and Larry got a break, we were surprised by the Chick Fil A cow! Hannah saw him Friday night at the Westland High School football game also. She really like the cow too.
I forgot to add that during Bob and Larry's break, we were eating nuggets that Chick Fil A brought and while Hannah had a mouth full of food, the cow walks up, Hannah sees him and yells "Mommy, moo cow!" and spits her chewed pieces of chicken and saliva ALL.OVER.ME. That part was great! At least Dan was amused.

Hannah quotes

2008-10-08T17:28:00.000-04:00

When we told her the plan for the evening, Hannah replied excitedly, "OH, OK, Great!".

When putting on her shoes today she insisted she do it herself, "I do it!", then when she was successful said, "SEE?!" (with that smart alack look on her face - some of you know the one).

Just a few minutes ago she walked up to me randomly and just said, "I love you Mommy". Every time I would reply, she would repeat it (with her really sweet look and a crooked smile). It really made my day!

I love this little girl so much, she melts my heart, even after driving me nuts so much.

Ok, back to add more stuff.

While I was cooking tonight, she asked if I was cooking potatoes, I replied "yes" and she said "Ok, great, woo hoo!" Maybe her Daddy told her to praise me when I attempt to cook...ha.ha.

Now she's adding the woo hoo to everything. I can't believe the change in her attitude when gets a full nap during the day. She is being so pleasant.

We've had a really great day and all this funny talk is really making me laugh.

WOW!

2008-10-02T21:27:00.000-04:00

This is why I keep Hannah rear-facing! This is a link to a great blog written by a grandfather:
http://forum.carseatdata.org/convertible-seats/1827-rear-facing-is-best-true-story.html

His grandson was recently involved in a collision and suffered severe injuries that could have been avoided if he were rear-facing. His blog really breaks it all down and gives great information and links. He asked us all on car-seat.org to spread his story and the rear-facing message. I felt strongly that I should. I downloaded his before and after pics so that readers of my blog can see without having to register at the other site.

This is Joel before his accident:

This is Joel after:
He can wiggle his fingers and toes, but cannot raise his arms. He is undergoing severe physical therapy for head, brain, and spinal injuries.

Some great points from the blog and links:

Car accidents are the #1 KILLER of all children. Greater than all childhood accidents combined.

Children under the age of 2 years are 75% less likely to die or sustain serious injury when they are in a rear-facing seat. This finding was true regardless of direction of the crash, even those crashes with side impact, which typically are the most severe.
Why? Because a child's head is 25% of their body weight. When their heads fly forward in an accident, there spinal cord can only stretch 1/4 of an inch while there vertebrae can stretch much further. This leads to internal decapitation.

There has never been a reported case of a broken leg caused by rear-facing. Even if there were, a cast is better than a HALO (like the one Joel is wearing).

I just read this blog tonight while surfing through my car-seat forums (yes, I read car seat forums). It was too touching not to share. This is a cause that is close to my heart and one that I wish got more attention from Doctors, Paramedics, and lawmakers. In countries where children rear-face the longest amount of time, the death rate from auto accidents are the lowest. In our country, where our children rear-face the shortest amount of time, the death rate from auto accidents are the highest.

We have to change our attitudes about our children when it comes to the most dangerous activity we participate in on a daily basis. We also have to stop being worried about how fast our children will "grow up" and move on to the next step. It permeates every aspect of our lives, but the car is one place that it does not belong. Every step "up" in car seat is a step down in safety.
Rear-facing is safer than forward-facing.
Harness is safer than booster.
High back booster is safer than no back booster.
No back booster is safer than seat belt until a child passes the 5 Step Test.
These are milestones that we should not be in a hurry for our children to reach and we certainly shouldn't rush into the next step before our children are ready. The results can be deadly.

Here is my disclamer: I am aware that there are parents who make the choice to forward-face their children after knowing the facts, and that is their parental decision to make. I'm sure I make many parental decisions others would disagree with. However, most parents (in the general US population) are not aware of the facts and blindly trust that lawmakers and Doctors know best, when in fact, it is just too inconvenient to change these archaic laws. This is what I am hoping to change. More awareness is always a good thing!

Hannah's napping!

2008-09-17T16:44:00.001-04:00

Yea!!! She actually fell asleep today without a fuss. Well, without much of a fuss. She was up early this morning and then went with Kelly Bull to the play group at the Fire Museum while mommy had an appointment. Thanks Kelly! We had lunch with the group at Steak n Shake and then played at home for a little while. She was not happy that nap time rolled around and tried to stall by asking for water and then chocolate milk. She also refused a dry diaper. Oh well, I have to pick my battles with her. But, as soon as I left the room, not a peep. Oh, the peace and quiet. Have I been using this time to pack for the trip?....NO. I've been relaxing and enjoying the quiet. I think I've had enough quiet time and I'm off to start packing now.

Just Whining

2008-09-15T17:20:00.000-04:00

I am so tired, my eyes are burning and want to close, but I can't sleep! I'm so wound up, I can't rest at all. There is so much to be done, but when I feel like this, I just get overwhelmed and can't do anything. I've checked my online message board about 100 times today and there's nothing exciting going on. I've done a little laundry and made lots of to do lists, but that's about it.

Hannah fought her nap again today. She's been playing in her crib from about 2-3 then getting up for a little while and laying back down about 3:30. Then she plays for about an hour before falling asleep. Obviously, the late naps mean I have to wake her up if I have any hope of getting her in bed before 10. Oh well, it's not too bad because we are going to CA this weekend. Her being on a later schedule won't be so bad. I am, however, worried about the aftermath of this super long trip.

Funny dog story

2008-09-13T23:13:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know our dogs, we have two; Lil' Lisa and Jimbo. Dan got Jimbo while we were engaged and I "adopted" him. After we were married, we got Lisa. Jimbo is a Beagle/Terrier mix, about 20lbs and Lisa is a Mini Dachshund, about 8lbs. Jimbo is older and usually the boss, but Lisa is very vocal and doesn't back down easily.

So, they ran out of their normal dog food and I didn't feel like taking a seperate trip to the pet store for their "special" food. I got a new kind of food from Target while I was there anyway. We get home tonight and poor the dogs some food. They immediately go after it. I leave the room to get Hannah ready for bed. I come back in the front of the house and all is quiet. I see Lisa laying in her bed, which is by the food. Jimbo is in the living room staring at her and whining. I look over and see that the food bowl is empty. I fill it up again and invite Jimbo to eat, thinking he is whining because he is still hungry. I go on my way and hear Lisa barking and growling in her mean bossy way and Jimbo is again whining....

She is keeping him from the food! Everytime he so much as gets within 3ft of the bowl, she attacks! Poor Jimbo is starving and is afraid of our little 8lb-er. What a wuss! I had to hold Lisa while Jimbo was allowed to eat. I guess I'll go to PetSmart tomorrow and get their normal food so they can co-exist peacefully again.

I swear I feel like I have 3 kids already; 4 if you count Dan on some days.

My favorite photo of all "the kids":
P.S. Lisa doesn't look quite as big without all that hair! She looks more like a drowned rat when wet. Jimbo really has nothing to be scared of. He could totally take her. He's just a big ol' whimp!

Dublin Irish Festival

2008-09-12T16:02:00.000-04:00

We went to the Irish festival as a family last month and I am just now getting around to posting 2 cute videos from the day and a few pictures. When we got to the festival, we were a little bummed about how much it cost to get in and were a little worried about the heat. It seemed at first that there wasn't much to do except spend money on arts/crafts and eat/drink. However, we ran across an Irish band playing live and Hannah had a blast singing along with the songs and clapping her heart out. We also found a arts and crafts area and she a Daddy had a blast coloring and gluing sprinkles onto paper. There was a horse to look at, a pond to peek into and a nice play area for little ones to let out some energy. We a had a blast and really are cherishing the days we have together as a whole family.

Getting ready for the sun:
Trying to step into the water to be with the fish:
Arts and crafts with Daddy:
A really big "wee":

Singing, dancing and clapping:

Change of plans

2008-09-11T23:46:00.000-04:00

We had planned on taking a trip to Hot Springs, AR to visit my brother and sister Friday thru Monday. However, we decided to cancel at the last minute. We were flying stand by and the flight in the morning was filling up fast. It looked as though we wouldn't make it in the plane. SO, we are staying home. It's probably better this way. They are expecting strong storms from Hurricane Ike in Arkansas and I would hate to be cooped up in the house all weekend. Also, they lost power for several days when Gustav blew through. We definitely wouldn't want a replay of that. I guess it's just a sign that I need to stay home and get ready for the big trip coming up next week.

I am flying with Hannah to MIL's house on Thursday and leaving her there on Saturday. I will then meet Dan in San Diego for a friend's wedding. We will stay there until Monday, when we will rent a car and drive to LA to stay with Dan's sister and a few friends until Thursday. Then, we are flying to San Francisco to be with Dan's family for his 30th birthday. I can't believe he's almost 30! We really are growing up. Seems so strange to think that we were together for his 19th birthday, and now here we are. And we have a little girl, too! We have a come a long way and have really had a difficult year. This trip will be very rejuvenating for us; as a couple, and as parents. We have never been away from Hannah this long (well, I haven't). I am looking forward to the time to spend with Dan and friends and reconnect.

An added bonus will be if I can finally wean Hannah. This child has been difficult to wean. I never thought I would be nursing a 2 year old, but here we are. She is being so good about it, though. She is down to just nursing at bedtime, and only for a minute. When she asks during the day, I tell her "not until bedtime". Tonight, when I counted to 10 and said "all done", Hannah said, "I go Emmy's house. No milkies." I've been telling her for the last month (only a few times) that she will start to have milk from a cup like a big girl. She will stay with Emmy soon and not have Mommy Milkies anymore. I guess she gets it now. It's not something I tell her all the time, because I don't want it to back fire. I just didn't want to shock her with it next week. I'm so proud of her. She's getting so big and really smart. It's great to see her "get it" after we discuss something. I love it! Now we just have to see what happens when I return after a week. I wonder if she'll remember and ask again?

I tried to tell her "milkies all gone" the other day and she looked at me very sad and then perked up and said "other side?". She just knew there had to be some in the other side. I know that's a bit TMI for some you, but those are the things you hear when nursing a toddler. I will be sad to be finished, but I know it's time for both of us. I have been so blessed to be able to nurse at all and especially that it went so well for so long. I will enjoy the last few nights of nursing my baby this week. I'm sad that this is it. It will be good to have my body back for a little while. Well, until I'm pregnant again and another little one takes it over. Oh, the joys of being a mother.

Pictures from the zoo

2008-09-10T22:17:00.000-04:00

I decided to post the pictures tonight to cheer me up a bit. I'm all cried out for the night.

Both of these pictures are of Hannah posing for me while climbing on a "balance beam" in the play area. She didn't want to leave. I had to promise her a carousel ride, which she LOVED.

This is the big daddy gorilla that was watching up from the top. He kept sticking his tongue out at us.
If you look closely at this picture, you can see a very small 2mo old monkey. She's mostly white. See her? Look closely.

These two gorillas were hanging on the hammock for while looking down on all the kiddos.

Here is Hannah watching a Silver Back Gorilla eat his snack.

Now I can fall asleep a little bit happier. Enjoy the pics!

What a day!

2008-09-10T21:41:00.000-04:00

We started our day early today; even Daddy was still getting ready for work. We headed out to the zoo with the spouses group and several of our friends. Hannah had a blast. We stayed late and had lunch there at the zoo. We got to see very active penguins and several gorillas (which we couldn't find last time). Thank you Laura for telling us so much about them! I got several pictures, but will have to post them tomorrow. I got Hannah to sleep at 9 and I am heading there myself soon. Dan is also going to sleep early because he is fighting off a cold. UGH!

When we got home, Hannah threw a fit about taking a nap. She fought and screamed so hard I gave in and let her stay up a little while. She asked to call her Grammy and Poppy (my mom and dad). Well, my dad informed me that he was on the way to the vet to put my cat to sleep. :(

I knew he had been sick for a long time, but it's still never news you want to hear. Apparently, he has been losing weight rapidly and not eating. He has been taking a few sips of water for a few days, but not using his littler box. We were all kind of praying he would pass away in his sleep last night. He was so lethargic today, they decided it was time. I think the worst part was just knowing that I couldn't be there to hold him while he went.

We rescued this cat from the wild during a very bad winter 10years ago. We aren't sure of his age when we rescued him, but we assumed he was still pretty young (under a year). I made my parents keep him and I named him Tom because he was such a tom cat. He had severe respiratory issues from the time we found him, probably from an illness during his first year. He always breathes and snores really loudly. His chest sort of rattles when he purrs. Since he was really mine anyway, when I moved into my own apartment during college, my parents were thrilled to let me take him to live with me. I wasn't allowed to have pets so I strategically positioned his litter box and he knew to hide under the bed if maintenance came in. He was more like a dog than a cat. He would come when I called him, or snapped my fingers. I let him sleep in bed with me and couldn't sleep well when I stayed away from him because I missed the rhythmic sound of his rattled breathing and snoring. Dan is deathly allergic to cats, so I would have to vacuum when he came over and keep Tom from laying on him, although he always tried to anyway. When we got married, I let my parents take Tom back to stay with them. We lived in the same city and I got to see him often and cuddle with him. I have missed him so much this last year and hate it that I wasn't with him as he got sick. I really wish I was with him today to say goodbye. My mom wouldn't even take a picture of him because she said he looked too sick. I will have to find an old picture later. I know I have many.

I will miss him so very much.

Mocking

2008-09-08T22:07:00.000-04:00

Now Hannah is mocking me! She's such a little grown up. She's always mocking me, when I cough, choke, trip, etc. Tonight, on the way out of Bob Evans (YUMMMYY!), I rolled my ankle stepping off the curb and just said "ouch, ouch, ouch". Hannah, following me while holding Dan's hand, stepped off the curb, did a little hop and said "ouch, ouch, ouch", while laughing. What a little smart alack. I don't know what to do with this kid. Such an attitude for a 2 year old.

Of course, Dan thought it was hilarious.

Other than that, Hannah and Dan learned a new game tonight. Hannah jumps from our bed to Dan sitting 3ft from the bed. Doesn't look safe to me and I didn't want to watch, but they insisted I take videos. I did, but cannot possibly post them until I clean the room a little bit more.

Ok, I'm over the fact that the room is dirty in these pictures, so I am posting them anyway. Enjoy.

For those of you who just have to see pictures, here is Hannah wearing her stylish rain boots (I've been letting her dress herself around the house).

We have Blood!

2008-09-06T22:02:00.000-04:00

We started our day with an early wake-up (for us- 8am). Then we had a very nice woman come to help Mommy get the house ready for our new house guest. Then we headed off to a birthday party for our friend Lilah. She's 2! The party was great. Hannah was already tired when we headed to the party at 11, but Daddy met us there, and after some cake, Hannah got a second wind. I left a little early to get back to the house as Leslie was finishing up. I expected Dan and Hannah home shortly after, but they were having a blast at the park until well after 2pm! I'm so happy that Hannah was able to have a fun day with Daddy when we thought he was going to work all weekend without a break. Unfortunately, I have no pictures from the party yet. I'm sure I will get copies from friends soon. I'll be sure to add them to the post.

Mommy and Hannah both got a great nap and finished our day with a family dinner and lots of Elmo. After bath time, we were brushing Hannah's teeth and she slipped off of her stool and hit her mouth on the counter. She bit her tongue pretty good and mommy was worried. Just when I thought all was fine....We have blood! Lots of Blood!

Luckily, Dr. Daddy was there to save the night with a washcloth dipped in ice water, some Tylenol, and more Elmo in Mommy's and Daddy's bed. Here are the resulting pictures.

Now, more than one hour past our goal of a 9pm bedtime, she is sleeping soundly and I am going to join her shortly. I'm sure Dr. Daddy will be watching football well into the night.

Looking at herself

2008-09-03T09:47:00.001-04:00

Hannah caught me doing this last night and made me play the videos of herself over and over and over and over. She loves looking at herself. She kept saying, FUN, FUN, FUN!

Libby, this is for you!

2008-09-02T22:50:00.000-04:00

From Hannah's birthday. This is the video from her opening her gift from Aunt Libby and saying "thank you Libby". I have a whole series of these, but I will copy them to a disc for you instead of downloading them all (they take forever).

SUPER- HAN

2008-09-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

Before we put the fish tank on it's new stand, we had it sitting next to the couch. Hannah thought it was fun to jump from it onto the couch. This was especially fun while wearing her Superman outfit.
P.S. Yes, I was afraid she would hit her head on the counter. Luckily, she didn't. Also, please notice that I have been keeping the dining room clean. We are actually eating at the table every day now, usually as a family for diner. Yeah!

A few Hannah funnies

2008-09-01T22:26:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I was telling Hannah to put her spoon back on the counter rather than throwing it on the floor. I told her, "Hannah pick up that spoon and put it on the counter". She picked it up and threw it again. I told her again. She looked at me and said, "I time out". I said, "no, you don't get to pick time out, you have to follow Mommy's rules." She rolled her eyes at me and put the spoon on the counter. Such attitude at 2!

We keep finding her with things she shouldn't have, things that we put out of her reach. We discovered how she is getting all of these things today. She has learned to move her little step stool around to reach just about anything she wants. Her latest find was an entire bag of tortilla chips that she was carrying around living room and sharing with the pups. They love her new trick!

My car safety obsession is rubbing off on her. On the way home from the zoo Dan got into the back seat with her to help her eat her lunch. She said, "Daddy sit right here". Then, "Daddy buckle up!". I LOVE it!

Labor Day at the Zoo

2008-09-01T22:12:00.000-04:00

Dan didn't have to work today so we all went to the zoo. We finally bought a family season pass so we can enjoy the zoo all year long as many times as we want. If only the pass included Zambezi Bay! Oh well.

Hannah wanted to see Elephants and Monkeys most, so we made sure to find them. She said hello to all the animals as we saw them. Hello fish, hello manatee, hello monkey, hello elephant, etc. Very funny to hear her pronounce the longer names.

She also enjoyed the carousel with Daddy. Hannah gave the horse a goodbye hug.

I think the most fun she had was getting wet in the mister, also with Daddy.

And here they are looking at the Manatees.
Mommy's just no fun at all. I'm only here for logistics, apparently.
Oh wait, Mommy got to hold her at the elephant exhibit.

She was so tired tonight, she went on a massive tear through the entire house, screaming, throwing things, and then biting Daddy. Not a fun way to end the evening. We decided on a quick bath and straight to bed (after reading her Elmo book of course). I guess it ended well after all.

My first blog!

2008-08-29T14:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, I've decided to give this a try.
I'm not sure how long this post will be because I only have a few minutes before baby Nathan wakes up and demands more attention. I will only be watching him 2 more days and then it's back to being a full-time mom just for Hannah. I will miss Nathan, but I am looking forward to having all of my days back to focus on Hannah.

I plan to start doing some "school" time with her every day. She is showing signs that she is ready for some "formal education". Last night, out of nowhere, she was counting, and made it all the way to 20! I didn't even know she could. I guess all that Elmo is paying off.LOL! Maybe I should sit down with her and show her what the numbers look like. She also knows the alphabet with few mistakes, but can't recognize the letters yet. She knows most of her colors and a few shapes. I just know she will amaze me if I actually sit down and teach her every day.

I can't believe she's growing up so fast. She amazes us everyday. Her vocabulary is going through the roof and she has a great sense of humor. When you ask her what her name is, she can say "Hannah Banana" and "Hannah Rose Clearfield". She has a lot of Clearfield pride because she always shouts her last name.

I have cut out cursing but she still imitates me in ways I wish she wouldn't. I got angry a while back and said "crap" really loud. She walked around saying it the rest of the night. D'Oh! She also thinks it's hilarious to tell Jimbo to "HUSH!".

She is getting really good at splitting me and Dan. She knows to wait a while after I tell her no and then move on to Daddy and ask again. Good thing we communicate well. We will have our hands full in a few years (not that we don't already).

Well, the little one is awake so I'm off.